


Amen, or Whatever

by pavidcas (thequeenofhellmademedoit)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Could Be Canon, Dad Dean, Dark Dean Winchester, Drunk Dean, F/M, Feels, Five Stages of Grief, Fix-It, M/M, Post-Episode: s05e22 Swan Song, basically dean prays to cas, because its dean, because when has dean ever followed the set order?, except out of order, it hurts, lisa lied, lots of profanity, relationships are implied, sam's in the pit, so many feels
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-06
Updated: 2015-03-06
Packaged: 2018-01-02 05:37:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 1,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1053126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thequeenofhellmademedoit/pseuds/pavidcas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is pure angst and feels. Maybe a meta-fic if you squint. After Sam jumps Dean goes to Lisa, but has a harder time adjusting than Sam had expected. These are Dean's prayers to Cas. But yeah, so much hurt. And Lisa lied. I refuse to accept that Ben is not Dean's son. So there's that...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This work is being reworked in a separate work titled Amen. The original prompt fic is going to remain here because I like it. A special thank you to Speary and miss_grey for the amazing inspiration. A+++ writers, you guys should check out their stuff.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural. I do not write Supernatural. Any dialogue pulled from the show will be sourced back to Supernatural. Enjoy :)

Uh… hey Cas.

It’s me.

Listen, man, I know what I said earlier didn’t sit too well with you, and I ain’t takin’ it back, cause I meant every word, but, I just wanted you to know…

Fuck, Cas. I don’t know.

Thanks for healing Bobby, I guess, and for having my ass back there…

I just wish…

God I wish a lot of things. I wish Sam were here and not gettin’ all toasty in the pit with them two dicks…

I wish I didn’t have be the one left behind to live some normal apple pie life…

I wish…

I wish you were here, Cas.

I miss having someone to talk to.

Yeah I know there’s Bobby, but I just can’t face him right now, not after…

Listen, man.

I know you’re busy with your angel stuff, so when you get a minute it would be good to see you.

That’s it. So… amen, I guess.


	2. Chapter 2

Hey, Cas. Me, Dean. 

Just, uh, checking in I guess. 

Things have been... hard... down here. 

I got a job, working construction. It's not bad, honest labor and all that. 

Pay sucks, though. 

Lisa's been supportive. She helps, especially when the nightmares come. 

I just can't shake 'em, you know? 

I guess you don't.

Heh. 

Well, I'm busting open every dusty old book I can get my hands on, trying to find something for Sam. I know I promised him I wouldn't, but I'll be damned if I don't do something. 

It's killing me, knowing he's down there and I'm sitting at home havin' a cold one with my feet propped up and my thumbs up my ass. 

I can't just let him rot down there, Cas, I can't. 

Fat lot of good it's doing me, though. 

There hasn't been anything useful so far. But I'll keep trying... 

Anyways... I bought a truck. 

The Impala, she's fine, but... She's got too many ghosts these days, too many memories. 

She... I don't know... She belongs to a different life-- not this one. 

So I keep her covered in the garage. 

I'm not stupid, though, I know what's out there. 

I'm keeping the holy water extra close these days, just in case... 

Well, I hope your doing good, Cas, wherever you are. I'm waiting to hear from you. So, uh, amen.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter that killed my beta, and im not talking about goldfish. Read at your own risk.

Dammit Cas, its been four goddamn months, man! 

You even got your ears on anymore? 

Why haven't I heard from you? 

Yeah, you're busy, I get it, but all this time you can't find two goddamn seconds to poof down here and... I don't know... Say hi or anything? 

Well fuck it. 

I just... 

I saw something today, Cas, and... I think I'm starting to lose it man... I saw Sam. 

Lisa and Ben and me, we were having dinner, and I looked out the window and for a split second I saw him... Standing under a streetlamp. 

In the time it took me to run to the door... He was gone. 

Lisa's concerned... 

She says I should see someone, but I don't do all that quack doc mumbo crap. 

Fuck, Cas, I need you... 

I need you to tell me we're going to find a way... 

There has to be a way... 

I just, I don't know how much longer I can do this... 

Anyways... 

I don't know if you're even fucking listening these days, but if you are, just give me a sign or something, Cas. 

I just need something... 

Anything...


	4. Chapter 4

Hey Cas. Been awhile, buddy. 

Still haven't heard from you... 

Its cool, though. You're busy, I get it. 

It's just, I got some news today... 

You know that kid Ben I told you about once? Well, come to find out, he actually is mine. Heh, yeah, Lisa lied the first time I asked, I guess cuz she didn't want to make me feel like I owed her anything. 

Can't say I blame her, it had been the first time I'd contacted her in eight-odd years. 

So, yeah, looks like I'm a dad. 

Ben's great, too. He's got the same taste in music as me, and I've been teaching him how to fix up the truck... 

I just figured you might want to know... 

Still looking for a way to free Sam... You'll let me know if you find anything, right? 

Anyways, good talking to you, Cas. 

Uh, amen, or whatever.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dean is drunk and I don't even know anymore. It 's supposed to be funny, but stomp on your soul in the mud at the same time.

Oh dearest Castiel, thou who art in heaven, hallowed be thy pretentious ass. 

It's been six goddamn months now, and I haven't gotten a peep from you. 

So, you know what, you self righteous feathery prick? Screw you and your overblown asshat of a father, here's to drowning my sorrow. 

And don't you dare look down on me, you holier-than-thou piece of crap. While you're off being angel sheriff my brother is stuck playing don't drop the soap with your dick brothers in the cage.

And here's to you, Sammy, you selfish, martyr-happy bastard. You were just too ready to sacrifice yourself yet again, weren't you? 

Well to hell with all of you... 

Oh, shit ... Guess you're already there, Sam... 

Anyways... I'm drunk, Cas, as you probably well know... 

Seems to be the only way to get through the night these days...   
Well here's to you, Cas. The ever omnipotent douche that you are. A-fuckin-men, and all that crap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is the fuel to my hellfire, so please leave your opinions! (I even take criticisms, because I am still learning at this, you know!)


	6. Chapter 6

Cas... It's me. 

Listen man, I know it's been a while or since my last prayer, or whatever this thing is I've been doing... and I just wanted to say...

I'm sorry.

I don't blame you for Sam, you know that, right?

It's just... 

I'm startin' to think...

Sam's not coming back, is he?

All this time, I've been holding on tothat tiniest shred of hope...

And...

Now...

I don't know, Cas, I just...

I'm beginning to think that maybe... maybe this is it. Maybe Seger was right...

You just can't have it all...

Things have gotten better here.

Lisa's good, and Ben... man you should see this kid.

He's on the soccer team at school, and the kid's got some major skill. 

Takes after his uncle that way I guess...

Work's been good, lately. 

I've started having drinks with a couple of the guys after hours- not like before, though.

Lisa said she'd send me packing if I continued down that road, and God knows her and that kid are the only things I've got going for me these days... so I've sobered up for the most part...

Anyways, Cas, all I wanted to say is that I'm sorry for those things I said, and my door's open if you ever want to pop in for a minute...

Amen.


	7. Chapter 7

Hey, Cas. You got a minute? 

I... I've got something I want to talk to you about. 

Next month... Well next month it'll be a year since all this crap went down, and not only that, but it'll also be Ben's 12th birthday...

You see, Lisa and I... We haven't told him yet... About... Him being my son and all. 

I've wanted to tell him for a while, but Lisa wanted to wait till his birthday, I guess something to do with timing...

Anyways, that's not why I wanted to talk to you. 

No, actually, I'm thinking about... about asking Lisa to marry me. 

More than thinking, actually, I've got the ring picked out and everything. 

I'm going to do it when we tell Ben, cause I think that will make things a little easier for him to handle, you know? 

I mean, "Hey, Ben, I'm your father," might sound a bit better when it's followed by, "And I'm gonna marry your mom, so you can count on me sticking around this time."

So, uh... I just figured you should know. 

It's funny, really. 

I never dreamed I would get this, and now I finally have the chance to live an actual normal life with a beautiful woman and a great kid... And I'm nervous...

I'm nervous as hell, Cas. 

That's why, if Lisa says yes, I want you to be my best man at the wedding. 

I'd ask Bobby, but we haven't really talked since last May. 

So, uh... when you get the time, just let me know what you think about all this... 

Send me a sign or something. 

Umm... Amen, I guess.


	8. Chapter 8

Cas, man, listen up. 

It's only a week to go before Ben's birthday and I still haven't heard from you, but that's not why I'm calling. There's something going down here in Cicero, Cas... 

I'm not sure what, not yet, but tonight I was having a beer with my buddy Sid and as we were leaving, I thought I heard a scream.

I didn't find anybody when I went to check, but I did find blood... And scratch marks... 

It could be a werewolf except the lunar cycle's not right. Either way, I could really use your help, Cas. 

This thing is too close... If anything were to happen to Ben and Lisa I... I don't think I could handle that...

God, Cas, if ever there were a time for you to answer me it would be now, man. 

I ain't fooling around here. 

Cas, please. I need your help. 

If not for me, then, I don't know, do it for Sam. 

You at least owe him that much. 

We all do... 

Anyways, I'll be waiting to hear from you, as always. 

So... amen, or whatever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, here's the thing. I'm sort of at a crossroads here (ehehe, pun intended) as to whether to make this the end or continue. If i continue it will probablybe a collection of Dean's prayers all the way through till the end of season 6. However, I also have some great ideas for other fics I'd like to work on, so here's the deal... I'll leave it up to you guys. If you want more of this then please leave a comment below stating such and I'll gladly continue this arc while working on my other fics. Kudos are lovely, too! All my love and thanks for reading!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yay I'm finishing this, so now Sam's officially back! I'm still making this hella angsty though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so for those of you who had read this (I love you guys so much for that) and probably all but lost faith in me ever going any further with it, I want to send you my deepest apologies. I had some bad stuff happen to me last year and almost got disenfranchised to Supernatural (I know, I blasphemed) simply because I had a seriously destructive falling out with the person who had gotten me into it in the first place. Stupid, I know, but I took a break and now I'm back. After taking some time to get reinspired, I have decided that I am going to continue this, but it will be slightly different from before. I promise, no changes will be too major, but I hope for it to get a little plotty from here on out. So yeah. If you haven't lost faith in me and are still checking on this piece I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Now for the fun stuff.

Listen up, Cas. 

You need to hear me. 

Sam’s back. 

I don’t know how, or why, but he’s back. 

He says he’s been praying to you. 

Tell me you heard him, Cas, and you’re just too busy like you’ve been all the rest of this time. 

I don’t know if you had a part in this, and I don’t care. I just need to know your feathery ass is okay. 

You hear me?

Cas, we need you to stop whatever crap you’re doing for five minutes and let us know you’re not… 

Dammit, Cas. Just… 

Just please be okay.

And if you did have something to do with this, then… thanks, man. We owe you one. I owe you one.

Just get down here soon. 

Amen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After careful consideration I decided the direction I wanted to take this fic in would require taking the beginning back a couple of seasons. So therefore, this is the original prompt fic, with the bonus found!Sam chapter, but if you'd really like to get the whole story, check out my new fic Amen. I promise you it will be so much better than this.


End file.
